Eines Tages wird sich niemand daran erinnern, dass es sie gab, schrieb ich in meinen Block, und dann: oder dass es mich gab. Denn auch Erinnerungen waren vergänglich.Und dann bist du ganz allein, nicht einmal der Geist ist noch bei dir, nur noch dessen Schatten. Am Anfang hatte sie mich verfolgt, hatte meine Träume heimgesucht, doch schon jetzt, nur ein paar Wochen später, entglitt sie mir, verging in meiner Erinnerung und in der Erinnerung der anderen, starb noch einmal.

I lit a cigarette and spit into the creek. "You can't just make me different and then leave," I said loud to her. "Because I was fine before, Alaska. I was fine with just me and last words and school had embodied the Great Perhaps - she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said and did "fine". I could try to pretend that i didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just matter and then die, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew.

And now is a good time as any to say that she was beautiful. In the dark beside me, she smelled of sweat and sunshine and vanilla, and on that thin-mooned night I could see little more than her silhouette except for when she smoked, when the burning cherry of the cigarette washed her face in pale red light. But even in the dark, I could see her eyes - fierce emeralds. She had the kind of eyes that predisposed you to supporting her every endeavor. And not just beautiful, but hot, too, with her breasts straining against her tight tank top, her curved legs swinging back and forth beneath the swing, flip-flops dangling from her electric-blue-painted toes.

hahaha, spasti..